New beginning

After last night not going the way I wanted it to, I made myself realize what I need to do to be skinny. Stop fucking binging. I will not eat unless I have to... ex. family get together, dinner I can't get out of, etc. I am really depressed. I hate life. Always have. I'm done. I want it all to be over with. I honestly have nothing to live for. I dont get along with my family, I dont love them. I don't have many friends at all. like 3 and my bff just doesnt understand. She is not my type of person anymore I guess. I wish I had an irl Ana buddy. That would be great. I wish I wasn't a lone in this world.

I've about told more to this blog and the people who are reading then I would/have ever told anyone. You are getting an insight at the real me. I'm pessimistic, I guess. I see the reality of things and nothing more and nothing less. Things are what they are and unless you have control of it you can't change it. I've never had a boyfriend. Definitely not because I dont want one, but because one doesnt want me. The only guys that are interested in me are creeps that add me on fb that I dont even know or wish to know. I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish someone cared about me. I wish I deserved someone to love me. But I dont have one. No one does. And I dont.

If I could kill myself right now, this very second. Trust me, I wouldnt think twice about it. Life sucks. I have to memorize a huge fucking speech for tomorrow. I can't do this shit. I was reciting it and messed up and was overwhelmed and cut myself again... I'm gonna upload some pics... (of me)

                                      ^^ It says "control    skinny" but my camera would pick it up.

The wall by pink floyd is the most awesomest album/movie ever. Pink floyd is amazing and the wall is amazing too. If anyone watches that and actually understands it then you would really understand me pretty well. I would be lost without that movie and the songs.

^Here is one of their songs. 

Well, enough of my boring fucked up life. I had to eat today. I was over at my grandparents and I got as little as I could. I didnt eat dessert. I drank water. I never want to eat again. I dont deserve to eat. Eating gives life and I dont want life... or food. A win win situation for me there. I plan to burn 250 or as much as possible calories each day after school on my treadmill. I will only drink water. No food if I can help it. 

I weigh more than I want to, but then again dont we all?

129

Its only going to go down from here on out. 122-120 by the 30th? I will weight myself then and no sooner to see If I did it. 

What do you weigh? Do you ever get depressed? What little things to you do to help keep on track?

Thinspo 

UGHHH

Well since this morning I weighed myself and the scale said 125 I went and fucking ate.....
I ate a cookie(60)... then a morningstar farms corn dog(150) with lots of ketchup(prob. 30 idk)... definitely shouldve stopped there, but I looked in the freezer and there was chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I just had to have it... There was like 4 5th of it left and I ate all of it(98379857987298)!! Now I feel like shit. I always encourage people to make their own mistakes and learn from themselves, but this time PLEASE learn from my mistake. That ice cream was not worth it at all. I shoulve eaten an orange instead and been through. But you cant go back in time so you have to try to do what you can to fix the mistake.

I laid out a bit today like maybe 30 minutes or just a bit less and when I got up and went to the door I almost blacked out. I get dizzy and lose my sight for a few seconds pretty frequently and it hadnt happened for a few weeks now, but it did again today. I hope will stay on track now and hopefully that will happen more often from lack of food. Gotta drink more water though.

Anyways, after I laid out I came inside and rested a few minutes then went on my treadmill. burned 270 calories!    I will burn some more later, but I needed a break. When I go back on my treadmill again I plan to burn atleast 130 calories so that would equal a total of 300 burned today. I will update later.

Since I binged on ice cream today I'm making a list of 5 item to not eat at all... ever.
1) ice cream
2) cookies
3) chips
4) candy and candy bars
5) snack cakes

Make yourself a list to help you stay on track!

Thinspo :) I was thinking of thinspo when I was running... it really helped to keep me going!

So, I weighed myself this morning and it said 125!!!!!! I really hope that my old scale is telling me some truths there because if so that is the best motivation you can get... numbers getting smaller!

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
I just found this from another blog... One that I follow: Wanting is never enough

Anyways I weigh about 129 now. I would sooo love to be 122-120 by April 30th.
I want there to be a 4 inch gap between my thighs.
I want to be able to have my fingers run between my ribs.
I want to be able to cut myself on my hip bones.
I want my upper arm to be small enough so I can have my thumb and middle finger touch around it.
I want my stomach to have no fat at all on it.

I want to achieve my goals.
I want my hard work to pay off.
I want to be skinny.

So yesterday I fucking binged. That will never happen again... ice cream and chips!! wtf! I cant even remember the last time I ate ice cream or chips! No more, no more. I bought some more apple pears and oranges and celery. I usually dont mind celery, but I ate one last night and it was disgusting, almost like it had soap in the middle of it of something. Oh well. Just gonna have to try again, because at only 6 calories a piece thats gonna be about the only thing I can eat. If I eat I'm going to keep it under 50 calories a day.

I used to cut myself. not on my wrists but my stomach so that no one would see, but now that it is spring/summer I had to stop so I could tan and such. But I wrote FAT on my stomach in sharpie and underlined it with a peice of broken mirror... twice. so I make sure I know what I am. I so very badly wanted to cut more, but I knew I couldnt, Not because it hurts, but because it would show.

"Cutting is not necessarily for one to hurt themselves, but for one to control the amount of pain they feel."

Well I'm going to go to the movies today. I will not have popcorn or candy. I turned down subway last night... I love subway. I also turned down a egg and cheese biscuit and hash rounds from Hardees this morning. If my parents ask why I'm doing that then I'll say something like "I want to try to eat healthier." or "Since I want to be a vegan, I'm limiting (cheese, butter, egg, milk, and any other dairy products) intake."

Btw, incase if you havent already read, or if I havent said it then I'm a vegetarian and have been for almost 2 and a half years now. It was my own personal choice. No one else in my family is a vegetarian.
Point being that being a vegetarian gets me out of having to eat almost everything haha. Lucky me. I have to go to my grandparents house Sunday afternoon since it is Easter and eat a huge dinner. Anything that has meat I dont have to eat and I can try to get very small portions, excusing myself by saying "I'm just not that hungry right now." or something about vegetarian or soon to be vegan.

The other day on tv there was a show and it had fried foods on it. So gross. I'm never eating anything fried again. One reason because it is so nasty and fatty and also because some stuff is fried in like bacon grease or animal fat and shit like that, so since I'm a strict vegetarian then one reason out of fried foods! Any questions about being a vegetarian? Comment or email me at    liveproana@yahoo.com

If I eat today then I just plan on it being a whole apple pear or just half of it. Also later I'm gonna burn 350 calories on my treadmill no matter how tired I get. I dont even care if I walk 100 or them I just need to burn them. I'm also going to do a bunch of crunches. I'm gonna try for 500. I'm going to do about 200 before i go to the movies so I'm not overwhelmed with them all at once. I do intervals of 50 crunches.

So yea... I guess that is about all.Stay strong and think skinny!

Thinspo :)

Okay, so the second part of this blog starting at "Yesterday" I typed last night. I was happier then. Now I am not happy. I'm pretty depressed actually. So the point is that if I sound depressed then happy that would be why.


Well this weekend I got a sunburn and I thought it turned into a tan.... But this morning I was putting on makeup to go to school and my face was all like peeling. I had to take off my makeup and put lots of lotion on it. So basically I went to school without make up besides mascara and a dot of concealer. Not pretty. I look like shit with makeup on, so you can only imagine how I looked without. 
During lunch my friends never came to my table so I went to the bathroom and tried to put on makeup again. It still looked bad. But this girl took a shit in there and you could definitely smell it. When she was done she walked out of the fucking bathroom without washing her hands! That is disgusting. 


There is this one guy that I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really like. I care about him soo much and he just means the world to me. He has a girlfriend though and she is a bitch. I wish she would die. Or me. I don't care which one. I wouldn't mind dying. (this is not just the depression talking) I have always wanted to die ever since I can remember. Life sucks and there is nothing you can do about it. No one needs me anyways. I'd be better off not existing, but I guess I'll always have something to look forward to. Well, if you are still reading and not bored by my meaningless words and thoughts then you are amazing!


I have not eaten anything and don't plan to. I just turned down taco bell. Nachos and cheese are amazing. Heres a number though: 330. That is the amount of calories in their small nachos and cheese. I always get an extra cheese sauce though so It'd be like 550 calories just for some nachos. Hell no. Not gonna do that. I ran and walked on my treadmill. Only 240 calories burned though :/ I'm gonna do 500 crunches tonight. I do bicycle crunches so that basically equals 1000 regular crunches.
http://www.5min.com/Video/How-to-Do-the-Bicycle-Crunch-Exercise-230509860
I count it to where one crunch equals one crunch with each side, if that makes sense.


Well yea... I'm a fat ass so gonna go do some crunches now.

Yesterday when I was in the shower, I randomly felt my boobs. I noticed they have gotten bigger!!
I'm excited about that because I have worn and even been too small in the boobs in an A-cup.
Anyways, if I tighten and suck in my stomach I dont look too bad, but I want to be able to look like that without having to suck in and such.

Random, but I want to add my life in this blog and not just be Ana. Which I will start talking more about Ana now then I have been. Anyways, I got some white nail polish the other day. I love the white! It looks so good on. Heres a picture of some, not mine, but some nails painted white.



I thought that if you paint your nails when you start to feel hungry then you wont be able to get food unless you want to mess up your nails! So a way to not eat is by painting your nails. I know I always get so upset when I'm painting my nails then something touches them and messes it up, and now gross, fattening food doesnt have to get in the way either!

Also if you start to feel hungry, look at some reverse thinspo. Here is some!