Sunday, April 24, 2011

New beginning

After last night not going the way I wanted it to, I made myself realize what I need to do to be skinny. Stop fucking binging. I will not eat unless I have to... ex. family get together, dinner I can't get out of, etc. I am really depressed. I hate life. Always have. I'm done. I want it all to be over with. I honestly have nothing to live for. I dont get along with my family, I dont love them. I don't have many friends at all. like 3 and my bff just doesnt understand. She is not my type of person anymore I guess. I wish I had an irl Ana buddy. That would be great. I wish I wasn't a lone in this world.

I've about told more to this blog and the people who are reading then I would/have ever told anyone. You are getting an insight at the real me. I'm pessimistic, I guess. I see the reality of things and nothing more and nothing less. Things are what they are and unless you have control of it you can't change it. I've never had a boyfriend. Definitely not because I dont want one, but because one doesnt want me. The only guys that are interested in me are creeps that add me on fb that I dont even know or wish to know. I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish someone cared about me. I wish I deserved someone to love me. But I dont have one. No one does. And I dont.

If I could kill myself right now, this very second. Trust me, I wouldnt think twice about it. Life sucks. I have to memorize a huge fucking speech for tomorrow. I can't do this shit. I was reciting it and messed up and was overwhelmed and cut myself again... I'm gonna upload some pics... (of me)

                                      ^^ It says "control    skinny" but my camera would pick it up.

The wall by pink floyd is the most awesomest album/movie ever. Pink floyd is amazing and the wall is amazing too. If anyone watches that and actually understands it then you would really understand me pretty well. I would be lost without that movie and the songs.

^Here is one of their songs. 

Well, enough of my boring fucked up life. I had to eat today. I was over at my grandparents and I got as little as I could. I didnt eat dessert. I drank water. I never want to eat again. I dont deserve to eat. Eating gives life and I dont want life... or food. A win win situation for me there. I plan to burn 250 or as much as possible calories each day after school on my treadmill. I will only drink water. No food if I can help it. 
I weigh more than I want to, but then again dont we all?
Its only going to go down from here on out. 122-120 by the 30th? I will weight myself then and no sooner to see If I did it. 

What do you weigh? Do you ever get depressed? What little things to you do to help keep on track?


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